Hello All,
The post before you now has been constructed over several days. The dates before you show the progression. It is not rated G. Enjoy...
3/11/10
As I sit to write this entry my life has been put, again, into a new perspective. I started a job at the Terminal last night, a local restaurant modeled after an Irish pub (with colorful beer ta-boot). I wondered to myself what the beer tasted like and how it would feel going down my throat, while my phone vibrated with 6 calls. A friend of ours was found unconscious yesterday by his parents. He OD-ed. Life support has now been pulled and he is no longer with us. For that I am tremendously saddened and humbled.
Its crazy that even with so many wonderful things going on in my life I can still be so self-pitiful to not see, appreciate, and most importantly, trust it. Insane even. I now have more evidence that my thoughts and feelings are just not the best thing out there. And I can say that because his life was just fine (just fine) and he would have seen it if he would only have given himself a chance to. So is life, so are humans, and the Tragedy continues.
The paint brushes of my life have been large and broad over the last two weeks. Karen has moved down (Graham and William did a wonderful job moving her stuff and Graham left some wonderful tire tracks in our yard--Thanks Graham). I have never lived with a significant other. Really I have barely made it past 4 months in a relationship, so the fact that Karen and I are now at eight months and have not even "broken up" yet is quite a feat (and good for the baby-wink)
We are here and have been adjusting. I kept my dog Ellie and Karen brought her two cats down (Barenowski [real name Baren] and Sissy [real name Luthien]) (Anyone know the references?). Every day there are multiple stare downs and they are continually getting better with each other. If you know Ellie then you know how totally obsessed she gets with things. The poor cats get no breaks at all. Ellie is incessantly trying to figure out what they are and how she can convince them to play with her. Baren hisses and smacks (without claws out---progress) and I think sissy really likes it.
Our back yard is an acre. Turns out, where we live in East Ridge, is the drain pipe of all Chattanooga. Hence, our yard is a bog. Awesome.
3/15/2010
Entry from Journal: "Holy fuck me. I am flipping. Fuck. Goddamn East Ridge can lick my sac. Am I really ready for this? Tears."
3/19/2010
This brings me to today. It is now three in the morning and Karen and I are laying in bed. We have just had one of the most care free days of the past week and a half. Of course, me telling you all the insides of our relationship just caused a little turmoil (every time), but for some reason I really think it is worth it. To chronicle the ups and downs and to live out loud.
Karen and I have gone from a part time, week on-week off relationship to a full time, wake up and go to sleep together, domestic relationship. And from what I can tell, we are right in the middle of a major transition. It is, again from what I can tell, going to be one the hardest and most rewarding things that I have ever done.
The fact is there has been soooooooo much change for both of us. Karen the most. She has moved to a new town, no daily routine, new people, new house, lives with a dog, and has to deal with me. And let me just say that I have tons of growing up to do. I am not selfless. I do not see dishes sitting on the table and I do not mind procrastinating.
The best thing that I have done for Karen and myself, is read the chapter to Dads in "What to Expect When Expecting". It provided me some perspective and some guidance. Right now Karen and are feeling some normalcy. I spent the night finally organizing the garage and thus continuing to finalize our "nesting". And it is that that I will leave you with. In conclusion: I will continue to defend the value of my internet ramblings because I know that there is value in shared experience.
Friday, March 19, 2010
Friday, February 26, 2010
"T-Words"
Well I assume it is time to update my blog for my 11 devoted followers. Before writing I would like to say that I love all 11 of you, dearly.
So a lot has happened since I last wrote. Most significantly, Karen and I met with our Midwife, Debbie Church. The meeting was quite an experience. Debbie lives in Calhoun, TN (just south of Athens) and has an office in the back of her house. Let me just say that it is wild driving to have an appointment with someone that is going to help you birth a child. Like, what are you suppose to expect, you know. I don't have any idea what to expect anymore about much of anything.
So we get there and she is wrapping up an appointment with a very pregnant lady (weird). I felt like I had walked in on moment that I should not be experiencing (it felt like birth on the black market, like all behind the scenes). Like don't tell anyone or I will kill you, type shit.
Naturally Karen and I both have to pee so we take care of business and then our appointment starts. Karen of course has her bargaining hat on...approaching the house Karen said, "Zach, if we don't like her then I am not signing anything today." It is hard to know what is mine anymore. And when I say mine, I mean what decisions, as a man, do I really get to comment on. REALLY NOTHING. Let it be known that I have been completely castrated and am at the mercy of pleasing women from now on. For all you men without pregnant ladies out there, eat it up while you can.
I know that this sentiment is only barely partially true, if even, but it feels that way. I think I am part of some ancient rite of passage. It is not an easy rite of passage either. It is the most real rite of passage that I have ever experienced. Holy embracing life batman, this shit is real.
So, Debbie is a rather interesting women. Right off the rip she said "what are you guys crazy, you're having a home birth." We were like, um you tell us. She is Christian so she talked a lot about repenting in the way that most everyone I know talks about amending. I started feeling comfortable when she said twat and I said "wow t-word". I support "t-words."
The conversation centered mostly around safety. She gave us 4 nonnegotiable-s:
I have a small forehead (or a three-head) and Karen has a five-head so maybe our child will have a four-head.
Do I believe that we are crazy for having a home-birth. No. Do I believe that the best book about pregnancy on the market is "What to expect when Expecting?" NO. Do I believe that we are swimming upstream? Yes. Do I believe that that is legitimate? NO. More to come on the history of midwifery...
So a lot has happened since I last wrote. Most significantly, Karen and I met with our Midwife, Debbie Church. The meeting was quite an experience. Debbie lives in Calhoun, TN (just south of Athens) and has an office in the back of her house. Let me just say that it is wild driving to have an appointment with someone that is going to help you birth a child. Like, what are you suppose to expect, you know. I don't have any idea what to expect anymore about much of anything.
So we get there and she is wrapping up an appointment with a very pregnant lady (weird). I felt like I had walked in on moment that I should not be experiencing (it felt like birth on the black market, like all behind the scenes). Like don't tell anyone or I will kill you, type shit.
Naturally Karen and I both have to pee so we take care of business and then our appointment starts. Karen of course has her bargaining hat on...approaching the house Karen said, "Zach, if we don't like her then I am not signing anything today." It is hard to know what is mine anymore. And when I say mine, I mean what decisions, as a man, do I really get to comment on. REALLY NOTHING. Let it be known that I have been completely castrated and am at the mercy of pleasing women from now on. For all you men without pregnant ladies out there, eat it up while you can.
I know that this sentiment is only barely partially true, if even, but it feels that way. I think I am part of some ancient rite of passage. It is not an easy rite of passage either. It is the most real rite of passage that I have ever experienced. Holy embracing life batman, this shit is real.
So, Debbie is a rather interesting women. Right off the rip she said "what are you guys crazy, you're having a home birth." We were like, um you tell us. She is Christian so she talked a lot about repenting in the way that most everyone I know talks about amending. I started feeling comfortable when she said twat and I said "wow t-word". I support "t-words."
The conversation centered mostly around safety. She gave us 4 nonnegotiable-s:
- She uses anti-hemorrhaging drugs (She said she has the hippy herbal stuff but that if she makes the call to stop the bleeding with drugs than that is her call to make). We were like "Okay"
- She reserves all rights to the baby, if the baby needs help breathing. Again we were like "Okay".
- She wants to monitor the baby every 15 minutes with instruments (with straps if necessary). This would still allow Karen to move around and choose any position she wants, except for number 4...
- No standing on your head during labor (which was a meant to instill some humor).
I have a small forehead (or a three-head) and Karen has a five-head so maybe our child will have a four-head.
Do I believe that we are crazy for having a home-birth. No. Do I believe that the best book about pregnancy on the market is "What to expect when Expecting?" NO. Do I believe that we are swimming upstream? Yes. Do I believe that that is legitimate? NO. More to come on the history of midwifery...
Friday, February 19, 2010
Fear
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/fear
Holy cow, I am having a baby. I think that the magnitude and reality of that statement is just now beginning to sink into my consciousness. I read somewhere that self-obsession and self-centered fear are the things that most strongly affect one's spiritual condition. This is true for me. When I am the center of my attention and wrapped up in fear, it is seemingly impossible to have a healthy relationship with the moment. And believe me, that has been my experience this past week.
Talk about a lot changing fast. Right now I am on the back end of internally flipping out and am beginning to have faith and acceptance again. Fear pulls those things right out of my life, every single time.
It is funny too because since having these feelings I understand the warnings presented to me by more experienced people (and you know that I did not want to hear them when they were presented). The dynamics of my life are changing and they are going to continue to do so with or without my participation or my permission. Right now, however, I am doing well and I have plenty of faith in the fact that if I continue to do the right things, the right things will happen (lord knows I already have some experience with doing the wrong things and in the same vein I have faith that those occurrences will happen again, unless all fear leaves my life and I become perfect [not happening]).
So the moral of this post is that this experience is serious, like really serious, and i am coming to terms with that reality. The hope is that all things will be well. And I know they will.
Holy cow, I am having a baby. I think that the magnitude and reality of that statement is just now beginning to sink into my consciousness. I read somewhere that self-obsession and self-centered fear are the things that most strongly affect one's spiritual condition. This is true for me. When I am the center of my attention and wrapped up in fear, it is seemingly impossible to have a healthy relationship with the moment. And believe me, that has been my experience this past week.
Talk about a lot changing fast. Right now I am on the back end of internally flipping out and am beginning to have faith and acceptance again. Fear pulls those things right out of my life, every single time.
It is funny too because since having these feelings I understand the warnings presented to me by more experienced people (and you know that I did not want to hear them when they were presented). The dynamics of my life are changing and they are going to continue to do so with or without my participation or my permission. Right now, however, I am doing well and I have plenty of faith in the fact that if I continue to do the right things, the right things will happen (lord knows I already have some experience with doing the wrong things and in the same vein I have faith that those occurrences will happen again, unless all fear leaves my life and I become perfect [not happening]).
So the moral of this post is that this experience is serious, like really serious, and i am coming to terms with that reality. The hope is that all things will be well. And I know they will.
Monday, February 15, 2010
Safety
http://ajph.aphapublications.org/cgi/reprint/82/3/450
Attached above is a link to a study conducted in 1992, where the authors were surprised by finding that home-births, given the right conditions, were as safe and possibly safer than "conventional" or hospital based births.
I am opening with this material because I would like to talk about risk, and its counterpart, safety. It seems, no matter the topic, whether it be politics, religion or child birthing, when people of differing persuasions sit down to talk out an issue, a normative, or value based, discussion develops. Each party begins with the same goal: a safe birth, a good life, an active citizenry. However moments into the discussion differing assumptions about what events will unfold, in the yet to be existed future, and the influence of varying past experiences begin to pull the parties into seemingly competing directions. It is at this point that values, not reality, start to guide the conversation. Details disappear and large sweeping meta-statements take control. The moment, or what is, becomes lost in theory, or what will be, what if.
Karen and I are exploring home birth with a midwife. Existence cannot fully be known and therefore we will be making no decisions under certainty. Rather every decision will be partial, imperfect, and temporal, i.e. under conditions of relative uncertainty. In situations like this it seems that details matter. That the moment, the thing that we are right now...right now....right now....is the only thing that can possibly keep us grounded in reality and prove to be most beneficial in influencing our decisions. With that said our assumptions about what events will unfold and our varying past experiences are explicitly guiding the decisions we are making in the moment.
It is for these reasons that home birth with a midwife is not for everyone: details, fears, faiths, and assumptions matter. I can only speak for myself when I say that I hope it is for me. I hope that the "right conditions" are realized by us and by the universe (are they two different things?). It is in this hope that what ifs disappear because only what is, reality, can realize hope. Only the moment, that which is composed of all that has come before it, can manifest or not manifest the conditions that lend themselves to safe child birth at home. Details matter.
Attached above is a link to a study conducted in 1992, where the authors were surprised by finding that home-births, given the right conditions, were as safe and possibly safer than "conventional" or hospital based births.
I am opening with this material because I would like to talk about risk, and its counterpart, safety. It seems, no matter the topic, whether it be politics, religion or child birthing, when people of differing persuasions sit down to talk out an issue, a normative, or value based, discussion develops. Each party begins with the same goal: a safe birth, a good life, an active citizenry. However moments into the discussion differing assumptions about what events will unfold, in the yet to be existed future, and the influence of varying past experiences begin to pull the parties into seemingly competing directions. It is at this point that values, not reality, start to guide the conversation. Details disappear and large sweeping meta-statements take control. The moment, or what is, becomes lost in theory, or what will be, what if.
Karen and I are exploring home birth with a midwife. Existence cannot fully be known and therefore we will be making no decisions under certainty. Rather every decision will be partial, imperfect, and temporal, i.e. under conditions of relative uncertainty. In situations like this it seems that details matter. That the moment, the thing that we are right now...right now....right now....is the only thing that can possibly keep us grounded in reality and prove to be most beneficial in influencing our decisions. With that said our assumptions about what events will unfold and our varying past experiences are explicitly guiding the decisions we are making in the moment.
It is for these reasons that home birth with a midwife is not for everyone: details, fears, faiths, and assumptions matter. I can only speak for myself when I say that I hope it is for me. I hope that the "right conditions" are realized by us and by the universe (are they two different things?). It is in this hope that what ifs disappear because only what is, reality, can realize hope. Only the moment, that which is composed of all that has come before it, can manifest or not manifest the conditions that lend themselves to safe child birth at home. Details matter.
Sunday, February 14, 2010
Introduction
I sit before you to write, in a spirit of humility. The process laid ahead of me is one that is uniquely spiritual and simultaneously primal and animalistic. It is an experience shared across the mammalian world and one that unites all human cultures. It is child birth. My purpose in writing is to articulate my personal experience of this collective action. It should be fun and tantalizing…Here we go…
The Characters:
Zach Atchley: a young ladies man, with apparently very effective sperm. Buddhism is somewhat consistently tending to be his inclination and aspiration. He is 26, cares for two dogs, and loves to love. Do most people (i.e. his momma) believe he is ready for this journey? Probably not. Does He? Of course. Will she? You bet. Can he express his emotions concerning being a dad: NO WAY, but he knows they are good.
Karen Brokaw: a 32 year old cougar and soon to be M.I.L.F who took advantage of a young, seemingly innocent young man whom she knew would be easily lured into her lair. She is beautiful, eloquent, and lady-like (something very seldom bestowed upon a man so irreverent and immature). She’s an only child, adopted, and everything he is not (i.e. practical). Can she define her Higher Power? No. Does she experience her Higher Power? Yes. She has two cats (uh-oh) and is going to be an amazing mom.
The Midwife: It is going to be fun introducing the practice of midwifery to the readership of this blog. Months ago I watched a video clip about women who experienced orgasms during child birth. Naturally I showed this clip to Karen. This sparked a momentous reading campaign by Karen Brokaw. Unbeknownst to us, during this time, the magic happened. It couldn’t have had anything to do with me releasing my sperm as close as humanly possible to her cervix during her ovulation cycle, but she somehow has our child growing within her as we speak.
The entries following will contain facts, figures, methods and feelings. The characters above will continue to be developed and their relative importance in the story will continue to grow. Don’t react to these entries with finality. Nothing is final and everything is subject to revision. Instead, grow with me and grow with us, as we embark on this journey of self-discovery, fear, faith, family, and placentas.
The Characters:
Zach Atchley: a young ladies man, with apparently very effective sperm. Buddhism is somewhat consistently tending to be his inclination and aspiration. He is 26, cares for two dogs, and loves to love. Do most people (i.e. his momma) believe he is ready for this journey? Probably not. Does He? Of course. Will she? You bet. Can he express his emotions concerning being a dad: NO WAY, but he knows they are good.
Karen Brokaw: a 32 year old cougar and soon to be M.I.L.F who took advantage of a young, seemingly innocent young man whom she knew would be easily lured into her lair. She is beautiful, eloquent, and lady-like (something very seldom bestowed upon a man so irreverent and immature). She’s an only child, adopted, and everything he is not (i.e. practical). Can she define her Higher Power? No. Does she experience her Higher Power? Yes. She has two cats (uh-oh) and is going to be an amazing mom.
The Midwife: It is going to be fun introducing the practice of midwifery to the readership of this blog. Months ago I watched a video clip about women who experienced orgasms during child birth. Naturally I showed this clip to Karen. This sparked a momentous reading campaign by Karen Brokaw. Unbeknownst to us, during this time, the magic happened. It couldn’t have had anything to do with me releasing my sperm as close as humanly possible to her cervix during her ovulation cycle, but she somehow has our child growing within her as we speak.
The entries following will contain facts, figures, methods and feelings. The characters above will continue to be developed and their relative importance in the story will continue to grow. Don’t react to these entries with finality. Nothing is final and everything is subject to revision. Instead, grow with me and grow with us, as we embark on this journey of self-discovery, fear, faith, family, and placentas.
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